If i come over, it means nothing
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
