just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
