Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
