Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
