if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You're like the curious george of whores
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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