WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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