K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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