his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
