I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
