even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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