i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
