So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
