I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh god it's open bar.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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