apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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