I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it hurts more in the daytime
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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