Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
