oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
