Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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