I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
