if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
