im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
