I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she peed on how many people?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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