I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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