In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
