D3 body, D1 cock
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
