In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
