I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
