i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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