I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
