We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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