The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
