something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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