i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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