if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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