I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize