OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
