Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
