I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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