Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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