And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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