So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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