I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
