Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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