I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
