why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize