new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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