I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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