She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
