Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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