so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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