I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
