Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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