Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize