A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize