Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
