My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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